Today was going pretty well until the evening. I wasn't planning on eating dinner, but then M wanted to have dinner together, and i couldn't say no because i love spending time with him! so here's the damage:
Breakfast protein bar (230)
Lunch at work 1 cup soup (90) salad (20) salad dressing (60) 1 slice ham (100) 3 bites roasted potatoes (25)
After work smarties (345)
Dinner 3 slices pizza (630) dipping sauce (360)
TOTAL = 1860
pretty terrible ... : ( but i refuse to purge or feel bad about it because eating meals with M is so important to me. anyway, aside from all the food, it was a really good day (at work and with M) -- so overall, a success!
Current Location:living room Current Mood: thirsty
dinner at work corn (66) fish (200) homemade potato fries (427) salad (33) dressing (100) ketchup (30)
after work yogurt (35) hot chocolate (45) cookie (50)
that's 1228 for the day... not what i was hoping for. the fries had a lot more calories than i expected! sometimes i hate having to eat dinner at work because i don't really get to choose what i eat. but i suppose it's good that i actually have 1 decent meal on the days i'm there... anyway, other than that it was a pretty good day. but now i'm exhausted... and ready for bed!
so it seems that after a year and a half of truly working at recovery, the ed is back. and not so much in the form of bingeing and purging (thank god) -- more so restricting... something i haven't been able to (or wanted to) do very well in quite a while. i don't know how i feel about it really... i've pretty much lost most of my motivation for recovery. i know it has to do with my boyfriend breaking up with me. it's hard to eat "normally" when we don't eat many meals together anymore. he says he's concerned that i've been losing weight, but doesn't make me want to stop. i was always pretty uncomfortable at my recovery weight...
i have decided that march will be the end of my purging. today is april 1st and my goal is to be done with purging completely. that way if i screw up and eat, it will either motivate me not to do it again (since i'll have to deal with the weight gain), OR i'll accept the weight gain and be taking a step towards recovery :) either way, it's better than being bulimic - that i am sure of.
hmm... i was going to make a meal plan for today, but i think i'll just wing it.
today WAS going really well. all i had had was water, coffee, and a 0 cal power drink. but then i was feeling really weak and shakey after school. i took a nap, hoping that would make me feel better, but it didn't. so what did i decide to do? binge of course. after i woke up, i ate:
- couple spoonfuls of ice cream - 2 pieces of pie - some cake/bread stuff - 1 bag of popcorn - baby carrots and ranch dressing - 1 box of kraft dinner - 6 chicken strips
god, i'm messed up. that is a fucking disgusting amount of food. i actually felt like my stomach was about to RUPTURE. ahh well. i purged it all, and now my weight is down from yesterday. so that's good at least. anyway, i'm still trying to stop purging. my "binge" food is pretty much gone at this point. i went to the grocery store today and stocked up on lots of healthy food. i even resisted buying peanut butter! WOW. i also bought some baking soda (to rinse with) and power drinks (to replenish electrolytes) for after i purge. i figured i need to start taking care of myself a little more.
anyway, tomorrow is a new day and i'm determined to do well. liquid fast maybe? and NO PURGING. hopefully no more purging tonight either...
so i had another breakdown last night and here i am trying recovery again... it seems that i want to recover the most when i hit a new low weight. yesterday i was at my lowest weight since... middle school? that's kind of fucked. anyway, i'm feeling slightly more positive today. i think. so far it's 1:25 pm and i've had:
- water - 2 tums (5) - a bacon and egg breakfast bagel (690) <--- HOLY FUCK!!! - a banana (120) & pb (250) - some saltines (45?)
total: 1110
holy shit, that's so much. and i haven't purged. though i definitely thought about it... should i even be counting calories? i don't know... i can kind of see that it helps, but at the same time when i think about being recovered, i think about not giving a fuck about how many calories i've consumed... i don't want to care that i just ate a 690 cal bagel for breakfast. i wish i had a meal plan or something to follow. because, honestly, i have NO idea what is normal these days.
oh well. one day at a time i guess.
i can't believe i have a fucking paper due tomorrow (on eating disorders of ALL things), and i haven't started yet. i am so very fucked. is life graaaaaaaaand.
i need to stop puking. therefore, i need to stop eating. i don't even know why i eat. this morning i woke up and ate a bunch of shit that didn't even taste remotely good. so why did i eat it? who the fuck knows anymore...
i'm going to go finish purging and then i'm not touching food for the rest of the day.
i need to write my paper. i don't have TIME to spend all day throwing up
fuck my life.
oh yeah, NOTE TO SELF: you feel like shit right now because you just ate, and you know you can't eat without throwing up. DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN. put the food down. remember how you feel after b/ping. you don't want to feel like that again. and you need to do your homework. be productive! no more focusing on food, focus on your paper instead!
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